The Worst Lyrics in the 2011 ESC

In 1830, English novelist Edward George Bulwer-Lytton wrote Paul Clifford, a novel that features the famous opening line: “It was a dark and stormy night.” Since 1982, the English department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest, which encourages entrants to write the opening line to the worst not-yet-written fictional novel. It is the quintessential affectionate tribute to bad writing. The winners from the contest are here:

Whether it is purple prose, poor or ineffective translations, or cluelessness, Eurovision 2011 features fine examples of so-bad-it’s-good lyric writing. We’ve conducted a content review of the 2011 entries, and here are our favorites. Please note these selections are limited to the English lyrics in the contest. Some of the translations suggest some doozies from the songs in other languages, but we’re not confident enough in their ridiculousness to report them here.

The worst

The sky is blue and I’m writing a new song saying that I’m free, friendly and young (Belarus)

And I’m gonna every day give you all my love (Belarus)

One to a hundred multiplied by you (Bosnia & Herzegovina)

Shine like a comet in our musical galaxy (Croatia)

Peter is smart, he knows each European country by heart (Finland)

I am lame, psycho from the brain (Georgia)

You’re spending money like you’re on death row (Ireland)

Close your eyes and hear the bells of your soul (Israel)

I choose my words like wise men do
And tonight, I’ll get you right (Russia)

Stop, don’t say that it’s impossible ’cos I know it’s possible (Sweden)

And, ewww…

And when I feel that I thirst for you I’ll dab my lips with your morning dew (Albania)

Wait, I’m ready at the gate
Don’t tell me it’s too late
Her fire starts to melt my heart
She’s clean. Not part of any scene (Moldova)

And you look so good on the floor. Put my mind in a dirty zone (Russia)

My body wants you, girl, I’ll get you when I’m popular (Sweden)