San Marino’s Eurovision 2012 Entry, an Alternative View

UPDATED: After San Marino’s “Facebook” was rejected by the EBU for violating rules barring references to commercial products, the San Marino team just crossed out all the references to Facebook in the lyrics. So in that spirit, we’re just going to remove references to “Facebook” from our original posts.

Generally when Chris and I hold differing opinions about a song, we simply add a dissenting viewpoint at the bottom of the post. It’s pretty rare. On Valentina Monetta’s “Facebook The Social Network Song (Uh oh oh)”, however, Chris told me to write my own post. I am, you see, convinced that Chris can’t recognize a legend when it’s right in front him.

Facebook The Social Network Song (Uh oh oh)” is spectacular. It’s Showgirls. It’s Glitter. It’s Al Pacino in his later years. You can’t look away. Particularly when you learn that Valentina Monetta-who in the video is bouncing around on her bed like Debbie Gibson-is actually 37 years old. The tune is melodic and perky. It’s awfulness draws you in and like a bug you’re hypnotized by the bright light of kitsch. You just can’t look away.

For your literary enjoyment, here’s the complete “Facebook The Social Network Song (Uh oh oh)” lyric in all its glory:

“Are you ready for a little chat in a song about the Internet
It’s a story about a social door you’ve never seen before
If you want to be seen by everyone,
Want to be in the dream and have some fun
If you want to be on the hook, simply take a look

Facebook (Oh Oh) Uh oh oh everybody loves you so
Facebook (Oh Oh) Uh oh oh everybody lets you know
Do you want to be more than just a friend
Do you want to play cybersex again
If you want to come to my house, click me with your mouse
Facebook (Hello) Uh oh oh everybody loves you so (never gonna let you go)

You’re logging in, then it begins
As your computer is swinging and taking your job away
The scene is right for socialites
You’re on Facebook (the internet) anywhere anytime night and day

Facebook (Oh Oh) Uh oh oh everybody loves you so
Uh oh oh never gonna let you go
So you wanna make love with me
Am I really your cup of tea
Are you really the one that you never really meet
Facebook (Oh Oh) Uh oh oh [I like it] everybody loves you so
Facebook (Social Network Oh) [mi piace] never gonna let you go

You’re logging in with just a friend
But soon Mark Zuckerberg’s hammering clamoring (the internet’s beeping and peeping) around the bend
We used to greet friends on the street
But now it’s googling giggling gaggling where we meet

Facebook (Beep beep) Uh oh oh how about a little chat
Facebook Uh oh oh (Oo oo network fans) meet you on the Internet
Do you really like politics
Want to talk about voodoo tricks
Are you really a sex machine or just some beauty queen

Everybody is better than before
Everybody is calling out for more
Everybody in cyberville is knocking on your door
Facebook (Beep Beep) Uh oh oh [I like it] everybody does the show
Facebook (Oh Oh) Uh oh oh [mi piace] if you like it click and go

Do you know that it’s instant logging in
For the rhythm of finding cyber sin
Wanna know what this book’s about then how about press logging out
Uh oh oh now I’ve got a million friends
Goodbye Facebook (network) fans this is how the story ends
Oh oh Facebook (Beep Beep)”

And as if there wasn’t enough irony up in here, legendary Eurovision songwriter Ralph Siegel gets his moment in Eurovision 2012 after all. The famed songwriter missed out earlier this year when Lys Assia didn’t make out of the Swiss national selection. Instead of her out-of-touch French Riviera ballad, Ralph will make it in with an out-of-touch teeny bopper song that was probably meant for his grandchildren but embarrasses them instead.

Chris says he will never listen to this track again. I say give me this over Rambo Amadeus any day.

Chris’s view is here.