Eurovision 2014 Superlatives

It’s time once again for us to bestow honor on all of the songs that made it to the Eurovision Song Contest Grand Final this year. Everyone’s a winner, which is good news for France.

  • The “Yay, no rhyming couplets” award: hosts Lise Rønne, Nikolaj Koppel and Pilou Asbæk.
  • Kseniya Simonova award for best use of a gimmick to distract you from a mediocre song: Ukraine (Mariya Yaremchuk – “Tick-Tock”)
  • The Inigo Montoya award for the repeated use of a phrase that does not mean what they think it means: Belarus (Teo – “Cheesecake”)
  • Best tribute to the Big Apple Circus: Azerbaijan (Dilara Kazimova – “Start a Fire”)
  • Funkiest member of Parliament since George Clinton: Óttarr Proppé from Iceland (Pollapönk – “No Prejudice”)
  • The award for what it sounds like when bears cry: Norway (Carl Espen – “Silent Storm”)
  • The Other Svetlana Loboda Award for “more is more” staging: Romania (Paula Seling & Ovi – “Miracle”)
  • Most ironic staging given the song title: Armenia (Aram MP3 – “Not Alone”)
  • Best tourism video for the planet Pandora: Montenegro (Sergej Ćetković – “Moj svijet” )
Sergej Ćetković visits his Na’vi friends
(image from SFT)
  • Most persuasive argument for churning your own butter: Poland (Donatan & Cleo – “My Słowianie – We Are Slavic”)
  • Best representation of our internal monologue when we bake a soufflé: Greece (Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd – “Rise Up”)
  • Best tribute to successful urban planning in Arizona: Austria (Conchita Wurst – “Rise Like a Phoenix”)
  • Best Susan Powter impersonator: Elżbieta from Germany (“Is it right to stop the madness?”) (Elaiza – “Is It Right”)
  • Best Fortress of Solitude: Sweden (Sanna Nielsen – “Undo”)
  • Annual award for most successful theft of France’s thunder: Every participating member of the Eurovision Broadcasting Union except Sweden and Finland (TWIN TWIN – “Moustache”)
  • Best depiction of a bright, beautiful Soviet future: Russia (Tolmachevy Sisters – “Shine”)
  • Fail Caesar award: Italy (Emma – “La mia città”)
  • Best cross between Glinda the Good Witch and Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull: Slovenia (Tinkara Kovač – “Round and Round”)
This plus this equals this
(images from Oz Wikia and Examiner)
  • Act with the best excuse to play hooky from school: Finland (Softengine – “Something Better”)
  • Best Fredi and Friends tribute: Finland
  • Best representation of the plain where the rain mainly falls: Spain (Ruth Lorenzo – “Dancing in the Rain”)
  • Best multitasker: Switzerland (He whistles! He fiddles! He bangs on the drums!) ( Sebalter – “Hunter of Stars”)
  • The “thank god Poland didn’t stage this” award: Hungary (András Kállay-Saunders – “Running”)
  • Second best country song on the night: Malta (Firelight – “Coming Home”)
  • Best depiction of what Smokey Joe’s Cafe would look like if Bruno Mars joined the cast: Denmark (Basim – “Cliché Love Song”)
  • The “Shania Twain wishes she were this authentic” award: Netherlands (The Common Linnets – “Calm After the Storm”)
  • Pluckiest country: plucky little San Marino (Valentina Monetta – “Maybe”)
  • Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber award for best composer cameo: Ralph Siegel, San Marino
  • Amaury Vassili award for wettest squib: United Kingdom (Molly – “Children of the Universe”)
  • Most likely to get there, popular: Austria
Merci, Chérie!

2 thoughts on “Eurovision 2014 Superlatives”

  1. Honestly, I’d have given the Fourth Annual Award for the Most Successful Theft of France’s Thunder to France, for staging the song this ineptly. Also, Austria deserve the Second Annual Award for Best Future Bond Movie Theme (Norway had that one last year), and Poland would have deserved a Svetlana Loboda Award for Least Subtle Sexual Innuendo (though you could argue that that was too in-your-face to even qualify as innuendo, unsubtle or not).

    Finally, I’d suggest the Andras Kallay-Saunders award, for Best Stage Gimmick That Actually Had Something to Do with the Song’s Lyrics. I would not advise making this an annual category, though, because it just doesn’t happen often enough that the expressive dance performance on stage resonates with what the song says.

    1. I was thinking of the Svetlana Loboda Award for Poland, but as you said, what innuendo? 😀 We’ll keep the Andras award in mind in the future, but we may get senile and forget to give it…

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