It’s time once again for us to bestow honor upon all of the songs that competed for this year’s Eurovision title. Everyone’s a winner, which we hope will make Austria and Germany feel better.
- Most reassuring statement to a spelunker: “When you’re down, down low and there’s no place you can go/When you’re down, down low, you know that I am here for you” (Slovenia, Maraaya – “Here for You”)
- Annual award for most successful theft of France’s thunder: The dreaded number two slot (Lisa Angell – “N’oubliez pas”)
- Best new motto for Israel tourism: “And before you leave, let us show you Tel Aviv”(Nadav Guedj – “Golden Boy”)
- Best application of film noir mise-en-scène: Estonia (Elina Born & Stig Rästa – “Goodbye to Yesterday”)
- Most “fun”: United Kingdom (Electro Velvet – “Still in Love with You”)
- Most diasporaspastastic: Armenia (Genealogy – “Face the Shadow”)
- Worst ability to control their adrenaline (or their hormones): Lithuania (Monika Linkytė & Vaidas Baumila – “This Time”)
- Best song when the time has come for you to lip sync for your life: Serbia (Bojana Stamenov – “Beauty Never Lies”)
- Best emo interpretation of “The Monster Mash”: Norway (Mørland & Debrah Scarlett – “A Monster Like Me”)
- Most forgone conclusion: Sweden (Måns Zelmerlöw – “Heroes”)
- Most sensitive ex-boyfriend: Cyprus (John Karayiannis – “One Thing I Should Have Done”)
- Most casual evening stroll through a dystopian urban landscape: Australia (Guy Sebastian – “Tonight Again”)
- Best template for Minecraft Eurovision: Belgium (Loïc Nottet – “Rhythm Inside”)

- German-speaking country that was least deserving of its fate: (tie) Austria and Germany
- Worst Eurovision Lemurs prediction: In regards to Austria – “It’s a solid, respectable staging for a solid, respectable song that should give the hosts a solid, respectable result in the voting.” (The Makemakes – “I Am Yours”)
- Best ability to sing during a hurricane: Greece (Maria Elena Kyriakou – “One Last Breath”)
- Best new wedding dance craze: Montenegro (Knez – “Adio”)
- Best Rorschach test (or worst, depending on how you look at it): Germany (Ann Sophie – “Black Smoke”)
- Most helpful household tip: Poland, showing everyone the best way to dry sheets (Monika Kuszyńska – “In the Name of Love”)
- Greatest lung capacity: Latvia (Aminata – “Love Injected”)
- Least effective plea to get someone to think of the children: Romania finishing in 15th place (Voltaj – “De la capat”)
- Best pas-de-deux involving the Virgin Mary: Warrior Princess: Spain (Edurne -“Amanecer”)
- Best call to go walk children in nature: Hungary (Boggie – “Wars for Nothing”)
- Best audition for the part of Zuul in the Ghostbusters reboot: Georgia (Nina Sublatti – “Warrior”)
- Best eleven o’clock number from Little Red Riding Hood: The Musical!: Azerbaijan (Elnur Huseynov – “Hour of the Wolf”)
- Best performance under duress: Russia (Polina Gagarina – “A Million Voices”)
- Best rebound from a rough Semifinal performance: Albania (Elhaida Dani – “I’m Alive”)
- Best distillation of 400 years of Italian opera tradition into a three-minute pop song: Italy (Il Volo – “Grande amore”)
- Most likely to get there, popular: Sweden

So meanwhile a big fuss is made over the split jury / televote results. Aparently Italy won the televote thing by a landslide, but the juries brought them down to third place. Time to brush off the good old “do we need juries or not” debate.
The juries look to the performance and the show and the televoters vote for their favorites.
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