Eurovision 2015 Superlatives

It’s time once again for us to bestow honor upon all of the songs that competed for this year’s Eurovision title. Everyone’s a winner, which we hope will make Austria and Germany feel better.

• Most reassuring statement to a spelunker: “When you’re down, down low and there’s no place you can go/When you’re down, down low, you know that I am here for you” (Slovenia, Maraaya – “Here for You”)
• Annual award for most successful theft of France’s thunder: The dreaded number two slot (Lisa Angell – “N’oubliez pas”)
• Best new motto for Israel tourism: “And before you leave, let us show you Tel Aviv”(Nadav Guedj – “Golden Boy”)
• Best application of film noir mise-en-scène: Estonia (Elina Born & Stig Rästa – “Goodbye to Yesterday”)
• Most “fun”: United Kingdom (Electro Velvet – “Still in Love with You”)
• Most diasporaspastastic: Armenia (Genealogy – “Face the Shadow”)
• Worst ability to control their adrenaline (or their hormones): Lithuania (Monika Linkytė & Vaidas Baumila – “This Time”)
• Best song when the time has come for you to lip sync for your life: Serbia (Bojana Stamenov – “Beauty Never Lies”)
• Best emo interpretation of “The Monster Mash”: Norway (Mørland & Debrah Scarlett – “A Monster Like Me”)
• Most forgone conclusion: Sweden (Måns Zelmerlöw – “Heroes”)
• Most sensitive ex-boyfriend: Cyprus (John Karayiannis – “One Thing I Should Have Done”)
• Most casual evening stroll through a dystopian urban landscape: Australia (Guy Sebastian – “Tonight Again”)
• Best template for Minecraft Eurovision: Belgium (Loïc Nottet – “Rhythm Inside”)

• German-speaking country that was least deserving of its fate: (tie) Austria and Germany
• Worst Eurovision Lemurs prediction: In regards to Austria – “It’s a solid, respectable staging for a solid, respectable song that should give the hosts a solid, respectable result in the voting.” (The Makemakes – “I Am Yours”)
• Best ability to sing during a hurricane: Greece (Maria Elena Kyriakou – “One Last Breath”)
• Best new wedding dance craze: Montenegro (Knez – “Adio”)

• Best Rorschach test (or worst, depending on how you look at it): Germany (Ann Sophie – “Black Smoke”)
• Most helpful household tip: Poland, showing everyone the best way to dry sheets (Monika Kuszyńska – “In the Name of Love”)
• Greatest lung capacity: Latvia (Aminata – “Love Injected”)
• Least effective plea to get someone to think of the children: Romania finishing in 15th place (Voltaj – “De la capat”)
• Best pas-de-deux involving the Virgin Mary: Warrior Princess: Spain (Edurne -“Amanecer”)
• Best call to go walk children in nature: Hungary (Boggie – “Wars for Nothing”)
• Best audition for the part of Zuul in the Ghostbusters reboot: Georgia (Nina Sublatti – “Warrior”)
• Best eleven o’clock number from Little Red Riding Hood: The Musical!: Azerbaijan (Elnur Huseynov – “Hour of the Wolf”)
• Best performance under duress: Russia (Polina Gagarina – “A Million Voices”)
• Best rebound from a rough Semifinal performance: Albania (Elhaida Dani – “I’m Alive”)
• Best distillation of 400 years of Italian opera tradition into a three-minute pop song: Italy (Il Volo – “Grande amore”)
• Most likely to get there, popular: Sweden