Eurovision 2016 Superlatives

It’s time once again for us to pay tribute to the finalists in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest the best way we know how: with bitchy quips and references to Patty Duke and obscure 1950s sci-fi films.

  • Most Successful Pastiche of Annie, Freddie Mercury & Frieda from Peanuts: Belgium (Laura Tesoro – “What’s the Pressure”)
  • Best 8-Bit Stage Design: Czech Republic (Gabriela Gunčíková – “I Stand”)
  • Most Awkward 10 Seconds: Netherlands (Douwe Bob – “Slow Down”)
  • Best Use of Sale Items From Sports Authority’s Going Out of Business Sale: Azerbaijan (Samra – “Miracle”)
If this was an NFL team, it’d be called the Fire.
(Samra screenshot by Eurovision Lemurs)
  • The Sigh, So Dreamy Oh You Were Singing Something Award: Hungary (Freddie – “Pioneer”)
  • Best Array of Lawn Ornaments: Italy (Francesca Michielin – “No Degree of Separation”)
  • The Sparkle, Neely, Sparkle Award for Sparkle: Israel (Hovi Star – “Made of Stars”)
  • Best Innovation In Traffic Cop Uniform Technology: Bulgaria (Poli Genova – “If Love Was a Crime”)
  • The Frans Award for Not Caring But Really Caring: Sweden (Frans – “If I Were Sorry”)
  • Best Reason to Give Stefan Raab Millions of Euros to Run Your National Selection: Germany (Jamie-Lee – “Ghost”)
  • Most Successful Theft of Austria’s Thunder: France (Amir – “J’ai cherché”)
  • Best Tasting Schmaltz: Poland (Michał Szpak – “Color of Your Life”)
  • Best Musical Representation of What It Would Be Like to Be the Last Person to Own a Telephone: Australia (Dami Im – “Sound of Silence”)
  • Best Lupine Consolation Prize: Cyprus (Minus One – “Alter Ego”)
  • Most Creative Use of Bobby Pins: Serbia (Sanja Vučić ZAA – “Goodbye (Shelter)”)
What’s a grown woman doing with a bobby pin?
  • Most Donny Performance: Lithuania (Donny Montell – “I’ve Been Waiting for This Night”)
  • The 3+2 Award for Best Use of Costuming to Distract You From a Mediocre Song: Croatia (Nina Kraljić – “Lighthouse”)
  • Most In Need of a Balloon Boy, As It Turns Out: Russia (Sergey Lazarev – “You Are the Only One”)
  • Most Gasp-Worthy Death Drop: Spain (Barei – “Say Yay!”)
  • Second Best Eurovision Entry Ever Written By Aminata: Latvia (Justs – “Heartbeat”)
  • Best Song That’s Not About the War That’s About the War That’s Not About the War: Ukraine (Jamala – “1944”)
  • Best Homage to The Brain That Wouldn’t Die: Malta (Ira Losco – “Walk on Water”)
The Losco That Wouldn’t Die
(The Brain That Wouldn’t Die screenshot by Shock Till You Drop.
Ira Losco screenshot by Eurovision Lemurs)
  • Best Depiction of a Bad LSD Trip: Georgia (Nika Kocharov & Young Georgian Lolitaz – “Midnight Gold”)
  • Best Depiction of a Good LSD Trip: Austria (Zoë – “Loin d’ici”)
  • Best Theme to a Bromantic Comedy: United Kingdom (Joe and Jake – “You’re Not Alone”)
  • Winner of Eurovision’s Swimsuit Competition: Armenia (Iveta Mukuchyan – “LoveWave”)
  • Most Likely to Get There, Popular: Ukraine
She is the winner of Eurovision! She is! She is!
(Jamala screenshot by Eurovision Lemurs)