Our Predictions: 2017 Grand Final

God we hate our picks. We have no idea whatsoever what’s going to happen this year at the Eurovision Song Contest. No idea. We hate our picks, but we don’t know how else to select them.


  1. Italy
  2. Bulgaria
  3. Portugal
  4. Belgium
  5. Romania
  6. Hungary
  7. France
  8. Greece
  9. Armenia
  10. Sweden

Last Place: Germany


  1. Portugal
  2. Italy
  3. Bulgaria
  4. Belgium
  5. Hungary
  6. Armenia
  7. Sweden
  8. Austria
  9. France
  10. Romania

Last Place: Germany

Italy has been such a favorite for so long that, going into the rehearsal period, we would have thought that anyone said that someone else was going to win was just being deliberately contrarian. And yet, now that we’re on the cusp of the Grand Final and we see that Italy is performing ninth, before Portugal and before Bulgaria, we can’t shake the feeling that the favorite is going to fall short.

Are we putting too much stock in the rehearsal videos of the Big 5? Francesco Gabbani’s manic energy was a bit off-putting to us, but that is not necessarily the performance he is going to give in the Final. He’s going to turn on the charm when it really matters, right?

Watching all of the performance videos in running order, we noticed two things. One, Salvador Sobral shines bright. He’s between solid if shallow Denmark and solid if strange Azerbaijan and he stands out among the strong competition around him. Two, Kristian Kostov shines bright. He is second to last to perform and gets a favorable lead in from Belgium and Sweden. “City Lights” and “I Can’t Go On” build up to “Beautiful Mess” in a way that just elevates it. Francesco has got serious competition.

Chris is now convinced “Amar Pelos Dois” is going to take it. Jen is not sure and, in the face of uncertainty, she does not see enough reason to pick against “Occidentali’s Karma.” Maybe “Beautiful Mess” could take the crown, but it feels to us like a second placer. Regardless of what happens, we will be happy if any of these three songs win.

We both picked Belgium to finish fourth. Chris is doing his usual thing where he decides that a song won’t make it out of the Semifinals and then when it does, he picks it for the top 10. This year, Jen is joining him in the madness.

We feel good about our top three or four picks, but after that, the doubt and the dread and the self-loathing kick in. Is Romania really a top 10 song? Are we picking France because her staging wasn’t nearly as bad as we originally thought? Why is Jen picking Greece? Why is Chris picking Austria? Why did we not pick Norway? Oh god, we should have picked Norway.

Do we really think the United Kingdom is going to finish out of the top 10? A lot of people seem excited about “Never Give Up On You.” It is going the plum 18th spot and the staging is beautiful. But Lucie Jones gets a little “crazy ex-girlfriend who fakes her pregnancy” at the end of the song. (Versus DiHaj, who is more “crazy ex-girlfriend who keys your car.”)

Then we get to the bottom of the table and the only other thing we’re sure of is that Germany is going to finish last. The backdrop video and Levina’s costume are meant to be silver, but it all looks so gray. The only way it could have been less appealing is if the color scheme was taupe. At least Spain has surfboards. And a really awful surfer dude. Should we pick Spain to finish last? It’s so bad… No. We’re going to stick to our guns.

God, we hate our picks.

3 thoughts on “Our Predictions: 2017 Grand Final”

  1. I feel you 100%. This is going to be a tough year to call. Having said that, let me share my two cents:

    1. Bulgaria
    2. Italy
    3. Portugal
    4. Armenia
    5. Belgium
    6. Sweden
    7. Hungary
    8. Israel
    9. Romania
    10. France

    Last place: Spain

    I literally just cobbled that together. Thougts:

    I’m going out on a limb and picking Kristian to take it all. I feel like people are really going to throw support at him because he’s so young and yet so seasoned. With the juries’ help, I predict it’ll be enough to put him on top.

    The order of my top 3 is not set in stone but I feel the countries are. I don’t see anyone outside of Italy, Bulgaria and Portugal fighting it out for the podium. They’re the only ones that will score consistently well with both the viewers and the juries. I feel Salvador will win the jury vote and Kristian the public vote.

    Israel and Romania are going to get awesome televote points but tank with the juries. Romania, in particular, will pull a Poland 2016 and shoot into the top 10 owing to public support. Joci will come through thanks to the jury vote.

    I still hate Belgium but everyone else loves it and I just have to come to terms with the fact that it will do well. Artsvik, Robin and Alma will pad out the rest of the top 10.

    As beige as “Perfect life” is, I’d still listen to it rather than “Do it for your lover.” I’m siding with my hatred and picking Spain for last place.

    1. Spain for last is not a bad shout. If Spain could vote for itself, it probably wouldn’t and there’s something to said for that.

  2. By now I am pretty sure that Italy is not going to win it, well, because the hype has kind of already passed, while Bulgaria and Portugal have peaked at the right time. Bulgaria’s chances keep on rising, and Kristian might rack up the votes, which otherwise could have went to Russia – his mixed heritage helps. But how can you root against the song that you love? Salvador’s performance is still magical, and everyone around me seems to think the same. It does not help that I have lived in Portugal before, and there is just so much hype about the ESC there right now. So, here goes:


    Last place: Spain

    I can go on and on about why I have chosen those countries, but in the end it just comes down to intuition, and mathematical probability, which also tells me that Germany is not likely to finish last 3rd year in a row. Happy watching!

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