Recap of Eurovision Song Contest 2017

Holy shit, you guys, Portugal just won Eurovision!


  1. Italy
  2. Bulgaria
  3. Portugal
  4. Belgium
  5. Romania
  6. Hungary
  7. France
  8. Greece
  9. Armenia
  10. Sweden

Last Place: Germany


  1. Portugal
  2. Italy
  3. Bulgaria
  4. Belgium
  5. Hungary
  6. Armenia
  7. Sweden
  8. Austria
  9. France
  10. Romania

Last Place: Germany


  1. Portugal
  2. Bulgaria
  3. Moldova
  4. Belgium
  5. Sweden
  6. Italy
  7. Romania
  8. Hungary
  9. Australia
  10. Norway

Last Place: Spain

First, Brexit. Then, the Cubs win the World Series. Then, a human Cheeto wins the U.S. presidency. Now Portugal wins Eurovision. How many more harbingers of the apocalypse can this world be asked to handle? What’s next, Ottawa winning the Stanley Cup?

We are thrilled for Portugal. They took a year off from Eurovision and then thought about what they wanted out of their participation. Rather than worrying about how they did in the competition, Portugal staged a national final that was a celebration of Portuguese music and culture. An old fashioned, but lovely song sung by a quirky, but dynamic singer captured the hearts of the jury and the public to clinch the title. Unless you are an eight-year-old kid who was emotionally invested in Italy winning, you have to be happy that a country that had never won in 48 previous attempts finally achieved Eurovision glory.

As noted, we hated our picks, but we both still ended up with 7 out of 10. Jen correctly predicted second and fourth, and Chris correctly predicted first and fourth. We’ll take it.

Italy ended up finishing sixth, a respectable finish, but probably a bit disappointing considering how long “Occidentali’s Karma” was the odds leader. But a top 10 finish is a top 10 finish, and we imagine every country in the top 10, from Bulgaria down to plucky, plucky Norway, will be happy with how they finished.

A lovely little side story to this year’s competition: Moldova’s Sunstroke Project finished 22nd in 2010, but generated the Epic Sax Guy meme. This year, they finished third and while we don’t expect Sergey Stepanov is going recapture that Epic Sax Guy glory, delivering Moldova’s best result ever has got to feel good.

We were really disappointed that Austria got nul points from the public vote. WHAT THE HELL, EUROPE? You seriously believed that Spain was worth five more points than Austria? Do better.

On the other hand, we were only a point off of being correct about last place. Germany was dreadful, but at least it wasn’t actively annoying the way Spain was. We may not have picked Spain to finish last, but we are deeply satisfied it did.

For those countries who want to blame geopolitical bias or whatever on their poor results, we want to underscore something we said after 2014. If Austria and now Portugal can win, literally any country can win. It just takes lightning in a bottle. We don’t know how you capture it or even know that you have captured it, but don’t ever think you can’t.