It’s time once again for Eurovision Lemurs to bestow honors on all of this year’s Eurovision Song Contest Grand Final contestants. Everyone is a winner tonight, to the chagrin of the Spanish voting public.
- Winner of two tickets to the gun show: Israel (Imri – “I Feel Alive“)
- The Johanna “And then there’s a dolphin” award: Poland (Kasia Moś – “Flashlight“)
- Best mode of transportation to a steampunk winter wonderland in the clouds: Belarus (NAVI – “Historyja majho žyccia“)
- Most effective self-censorship: Austria (Nathan Trent – “Running On Air“)
- Handiest jive or jiviest hands: Armenia (Artsvik – “Fly With Me”)
- Best family bonding exercise: Netherlands (OG3NE – “Light and Shadow“)
- Best revival of the Running Man: Moldova (SunStroke Project – “Hey Mamma“)
- Best proof that rap can work at Eurovision: Hungary (Joci Pápai – “Origo“)
- Best fusion of human evolution and chakras: Italy (Francesco Gabbani – “Occidentali’s Karma“)
- The Anja Nissen Award for the artist we’d most like to see return to Eurovision with a better song: Denmark (Anja Nissen – “Where I Am“)
- Best throwback to when it was just a Song Contest: Portugal (Salvador Sobral – “Amar pelos dois“)
- Best musical representation of the plot to Equus: Azerbaijan (DiHaj – “Skeletons“)
- The Flygande Jacob award for two great tastes that shouldn’t taste great together but do: Croatia (Jacques Houdek – “My Friend“)
- The Maria Yaremchuck award for best use of an exercise toy for a caged rodent: Australia (Isaiah – “Don’t Come Easy”)
- Best homage to Jedward’s “Waterline”: Greece (Demy – “This Is Love“)
- Best audition to be a Margaritaville house band: Spain (Manel Navarro – “Do It For Your Lover“)
- Best outfit choices for Kylo Ren and Hoban Washburne when they want to hit the club: Norway (JOWST feat. Aleksander Walmann – “Grab the Moment“)
- Best audition for the female lead in William and Kate: The Musical!: United Kingdom (Lucie Jones – “Never Give Up On You“)
- Most successful sobriety test: Cyprus (Hovig – “Gravity“)
- Best portrayal of the hope, the anticipation and then the ultimate disappointment of impotence (right down to the awkward kiss at the end): Romania (Ilinca featuring Alex Florea – “Yodel It!“)
- Best song in the 21st slot of the 2017 Eurovision Song Contest: Germany (Levina – “Perfect Life“)
- Most innovative way to shine a spotlight on the mosh pit: Ukraine (O.Torvald – “Time“)
- Winner of the Eurovision Staring Contest: Belgium (Blanche – “City Lights“)
- Best tribute to OK GO by frat boys: Sweden (Robin Bengtsson – “I Can’t Go On“)
- Best love theme to every movie adaptation of a young adult romance novel ever: Bulgaria (Kristian Kostov – “Beautiful Mess“)
- The annual award for the most successful theft of France’s thunder: the juries, who ranked “Requiem” in 18th place.
- Most likely to get there, popular: Portugal
