18. Lithuania – LT United: “We Are the Winners”

Six guys in suits singing an ’80s-synth pop song about how they are the winners of the Eurovision, so “vote for the winners.” This would be funnier if they hadn’t followed the Finnish entry. I wonder if this type of sarcastic cynicism is a part of Lithuania’s national character. Because that would be awesome.

15. Ukraine – Tina Karol: “Show Me Your Love”

*NSYNC-sounding beginning, except with accordions. The singer is trying to sound like Shakira. I’m just going to leave it as a given that the dancing is bad. I’ll let you know when it’s any good. They’re jump-roping, though, so that’s something. Prototypical upbeat Eurovision number. Not memorable, as adorable as the singer is.

14. Turkey – Sibel Tüzün: “Süperstar”

Sexy trance dance beat to start, then a disco beat. The singer has lots of tattoos, but is sexy in a ’30s blonde-bombshell way. The stream is a bit blurry, though. I can tell that she has an enormous mouth. Non-English song, non-talented dancers. Best song on the night so far, although she got a bit shrill near the end.

13. Russia – Dima: “Never Let You Go”

That’s some mullet the singer has. Oddly enough, this has a generic Eastern Mediterranean pop sound to it, too. But with scratching. A woman painted in white came out of the piano through a pile of rose petals. That’s actually kinda awesome. Kinda. Why is there a number 13 on the singer’s wifebeater? [NOTE: Because he’s peforming 13th. Duh.]

Eurovision blogging

I wish I thought of this when the show started. Our story so far:

  1. Armenia (Andre: “Without Your Love”) – Generic Eastern Mediterranean pop. Blah.
  2. Bulgaria (Mariana Popova: “Let Me Cry”) – Stiff singer, decent song, bad back-up dancers.
  3. Slovenia (Anžej Dežan: “Mr Nobody”) – Good song, even if it’s generic Eurotrash discopop. More bad dancing. †
  4. Andorra (Jennifer: “Sense Tu”) – Non-English. Sounded like Vanilla Ninja. Even more bad dancing.
  5. Belarus (Polina Smolova: “Mum”) – Think of a hard-rocking Backstreet Boys with a female singer and ’80s clothing. Plus the back-ups almost dropped the singer when they lifted her.
  6. Albania (Luiz Ejlli: “Zjarr e Ftohtë”) – Ooo, traditional musicans. More generic Eastern Mediterranean pop, though. Not surprisingly, this is not in English.
  7. Belguim (Kate Ryan: “Je T’Adore”) – Ooo, fluorescent pink mike stands! Someone has heard the “Chess” album. Key lyric: “Je t’adore and I can’t conceal it.”
  8. Ireland (Brian Kennedy: “Every Song Is a Cry for Love”) – And every Irish entry is a cry for help. Awful.
  9. Cyprus (Annette Artani: “Why Angels Cry”) – Buxom singer. Flabby pop song.
  10. Monaco (Séverine Ferrer: “La CoCo-Dance”) – Had a Hawaiian theme. Grass skirts and everything. Lame. It was sung in French. [NOTE: Actually, it’s Tahitian. My bad.]
  11. Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia (Elena Risteska: “Ninanajna”) – Slutty. The singer, the music, the lyrics. Slutty. Kinda awesome, but only in a Britney Spears way.
  12. Poland (Ich Troje: “Follow My Heart”) – White tails on the piano player. Polish rapping, in a Real McCoy way. The male singer has green hair. The female singer is in a mask. It’s like Andrew Lloyd Webber did a song for Dead or Alive. ‡

† No, it’s a horrible song. What was I thinking?
‡ In a Real McCoy way because it was actually O-Jay from Real McCoy.