Well, of COURSE, Sweden’s entry sounds like ABBA. It ALWAYS sounds like ABBA. The singer has a long flowing train on her coat and the strongest jawline I’ve seen tonight. The song sucks, but it rhymes “invincible” with “insatiable,” so it’s got that going for it.
For some reason, the Portuguese entry decided to go with an ABBA-sounding song. Usually only the Swedes do that. Imagine the Spice Girls singing ABBA in Portuguese (except for the chorus). This is ridiculously lame. And it makes Katrina and the Waves sound like Slayer.
Six guys in suits singing an ’80s-synth pop song about how they are the winners of the Eurovision, so “vote for the winners.” This would be funnier if they hadn’t followed the Finnish entry. I wonder if this type of sarcastic cynicism is a part of Lithuania’s national character. Because that would be awesome.
Performers playing their own instruments. Another Shakira rip-off song, with a weird “Lion King”-type African chanting in the middle.
The Finnish Gwar (seriously) singing “Hard Rock Hallelujah.” Key quote: “It’s the Arockalypse.” Finland’s not even trying, but the song is really awesome.
Holy shit, the singer just sprouted bat wings from his costume. Wow. The crowd loves it, but I pity who comes next!
*NSYNC-sounding beginning, except with accordions. The singer is trying to sound like Shakira. I’m just going to leave it as a given that the dancing is bad. I’ll let you know when it’s any good. They’re jump-roping, though, so that’s something. Prototypical upbeat Eurovision number. Not memorable, as adorable as the singer is.
Sexy trance dance beat to start, then a disco beat. The singer has lots of tattoos, but is sexy in a ’30s blonde-bombshell way. The stream is a bit blurry, though. I can tell that she has an enormous mouth. Non-English song, non-talented dancers. Best song on the night so far, although she got a bit shrill near the end.
That’s some mullet the singer has. Oddly enough, this has a generic Eastern Mediterranean pop sound to it, too. But with scratching. A woman painted in white came out of the piano through a pile of rose petals. That’s actually kinda awesome. Kinda. Why is there a number 13 on the singer’s wifebeater? [NOTE: Because he’s peforming 13th. Duh.]
I wish I thought of this when the show started. Our story so far:
- Armenia (Andre: “Without Your Love”) – Generic Eastern Mediterranean pop. Blah.
- Bulgaria (Mariana Popova: “Let Me Cry”) – Stiff singer, decent song, bad back-up dancers.
- Slovenia (Anžej Dežan: “Mr Nobody”) – Good song, even if it’s generic Eurotrash discopop. More bad dancing. †
- Andorra (Jennifer: “Sense Tu”) – Non-English. Sounded like Vanilla Ninja. Even more bad dancing.
- Belarus (Polina Smolova: “Mum”) – Think of a hard-rocking Backstreet Boys with a female singer and ’80s clothing. Plus the back-ups almost dropped the singer when they lifted her.
- Albania (Luiz Ejlli: “Zjarr e Ftohtë”) – Ooo, traditional musicans. More generic Eastern Mediterranean pop, though. Not surprisingly, this is not in English.
- Belguim (Kate Ryan: “Je T’Adore”) – Ooo, fluorescent pink mike stands! Someone has heard the “Chess” album. Key lyric: “Je t’adore and I can’t conceal it.”
- Ireland (Brian Kennedy: “Every Song Is a Cry for Love”) – And every Irish entry is a cry for help. Awful.
- Cyprus (Annette Artani: “Why Angels Cry”) – Buxom singer. Flabby pop song.
- Monaco (Séverine Ferrer: “La CoCo-Dance”) – Had a Hawaiian theme. Grass skirts and everything. Lame. It was sung in French. [NOTE: Actually, it’s Tahitian. My bad.]
- Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia (Elena Risteska: “Ninanajna”) – Slutty. The singer, the music, the lyrics. Slutty. Kinda awesome, but only in a Britney Spears way.
- Poland (Ich Troje: “Follow My Heart”) – White tails on the piano player. Polish rapping, in a Real McCoy way. The male singer has green hair. The female singer is in a mask. It’s like Andrew Lloyd Webber did a song for Dead or Alive. ‡
† No, it’s a horrible song. What was I thinking?
‡ In a Real McCoy way because it was actually O-Jay from Real McCoy.